Karen Restivo
In Other Words....
When it comes to our children, our biased opinions of them may be getting in the way of their progress when growing up.
Parents can talk a blue streak about how smart, talented and clever little Johnny or Janie is, ad nauseum, without regard for the level of pressure aimed at their self-esteem and confidence.
Truthfully, upon self-examination, is it possible we’re lauding praise and attention on them to subconsciously direct the spotlight back on ourselves?
True story - when I was in high school, I placed 1st in the Information Communication division of Vocational Office Education (VOE).
This put me on the path to Nationals being held in Minnesota.
My parents were so proud and may have bolstered the vocational feat to that of NASA putting a man on the moon.
Nevertheless, friends and neighbors were congratulatory to me with one individual handing me an envelope with $20 to use on the trip, (in the early 70s that was some serious cash.) That evening when I was getting ready for bed my dad encouraged me to keep up the good work so I could make everyone proud once I took first at Nationals. (Cue the dramatic music and full wattage of lighting on my stunned expression.)
As an adult now, I see where focusing on achievement flips the script to the potential of severe emotional, mental anxiety for a kid.
Forget first place, I couldn’t get passed going to Minnesota by myself.
Moving the spotlight to growth instead of achievement is essential to building self-confidence in our kids.
In the Restivo clan, our oldest son Sam and our middle daughter Julie were only 17 months apart in age. Our youngest daughter, Kelli, arrived on the scene 14 years later.
Each child has their own set of unique personality traits and characteristics.
Despite their huge age gap, Sam and Kelli were similar when it came to the trait of detail orientation.
Julie was more of a big picture thinker like me.
Individuality aside, childhood ushered in a scary bag of tricks for each of them - anxiety, stress, self-doubt and frustration, just to name a few.
Invariably our fourth child, Crisis, wreaked havoc by consistently rolling out the next big challenge for each of them.
There was no rest for the weary.
The perception of our biggest challenges can influence how we approach tasks.
Best-selling author and spiritual teacher, Eckhart Tolle, beautifully illustrates in his book, The Power of Now, how breaking down our next big challenge into smaller increments alleviates the overwhelm of facing the Goliath of challenges.
Our whole life is the culmination of small incremental decisions and actions leading up to where we find ourselves today.
Letting society put a magnifying glass on a challenge throws us out of the present moment and into the unconscious fears of the future.
Focusing on the steps rather than a giant leap makes the challenge more manageable and puts us in the driver’s seat.
Have our adult children mastered the art of slaying the next big challenge?
They’ve acquired skills.
Sam is a movie editor working around the world with several major motion pictures under his belt.
Julie has a family and is a wine importer/consultant with a passport and palate enviable by many, and Kelli is an ML research scientist (artificial intelligence) working on the west coast for Meta.
In other words, all continually face big challenges, but are no longer haunted by the illusive bag of tricks from childhood.
As for me, I didn’t win first place at the national level of Information Communication; for that matter, I didn’t even place.
Forget the achievement, the level of growth and vision I acquired at such an early age opened doors to unbelievable opportunities way beyond this high schooler’s imagination.
Karenrestivo57@gmail.com