Karen Restivo
In Other Words....
Landmines are synonymous with warfare.
They’re the main topic in Kevin Bonsor’s article How Landmines Work.
“One of the deadliest legacies of the 20th century is the use of landmines in warfare.
“Anti-personnel landmines and antitank mines continue to have tragic, unintended consequences years after a battle has ended,” he notes.
Bonsor’s article relays the nuts and bolts of how they work in descriptive detail.
Most of us, thankfully, never find ourselves encountering one of these deadly devices. Or do we?
In the world of communication, landmines are lurking in the shadows of conversations.
Words can be both a soothing balm and a deadly weapon.
Once emotional thoughts are spoken with no filter, casualties may pile up.
Author Kelsey Borresen comes to our rescue hitting a grand slam in her article, 7 Simple Phrases that Can Instantly De-Escalate a Heated Argument, (Keep these in your back pocket for when conflict arises).”
Take it from a communication coach, this author knows what she’s talking about.
Grab some scissors and cut this article out for future reference.
Navigating conflict can be downright dangerous when we fail to filter verbiage between corresponding parties.
A conversation can transport you into a loaded mine field.
Borresen says, “Keeping some pacifying phrases on hand can help cool things off and bring you closer to a resolution - or at least to a place where you can better understand each other’s point of view.”
Therapists were asked to share simple phrases that can potentially de-escalate an argument before it blows up.
She shares the phrases below:
Help me understand.
Clinical psychologist Ryan Howes says, “help me understand’ is a way to approach the situation with curiosity and openness, rather than defensiveness or finger-pointing.”
That is a problem. Let’s figure this out together.
Howes suggests, “By inviting your loved one to find a solution together, you’re prioritizing the connection and teamwork instead of division.”
That’s a good point.
Dallas marriage and family therapist Sarah Epstein notes, “It is hard to be defensive if the person you’re speaking to really hears you.”
What I’m hearing you say is…
Los Angeles marriage and family therapist Abigail Makepeace says, “This phrase demonstrates that you are actively listening and trying to understand their perspective, as opposed to just waiting for your next turn to speak.
I need to take a break. I’m feeling too upset to have a meaningful conversation.
Sarah Epstein notes, “Whoever needs the break should communicate that (versus storming off without warning) and state when they’ll come back to the discussion ‘so that the other person doesn’t feel like the conversation was abandoned.’”
What can we do differently next time?
Ryan Howes says, “Asking the other person what can change going forward reaffirms that you’re on the same team and want to better handle conflict together.
Once the problem has been clarified, it’s OK to move toward a solution, and preferably one that is co-created by both of you.”
Thank you for being willing to talk about this with me.
Makepeace notes, “Expressing gratitude is another way to defuse tension in emotionally charged conversations.
Thanking the other person for their willingness to talk about a difficult subject does just that.”
Sadly, we don’t have a default setting for de-escalation phraseology and chances are our own family of origin lacked the knowledge that such phraseology existed.
Maya Angelo is well known for her saying, “When we know better, we do better.”
In other words, this article gives us the tools to clear potential landmines, so we can do better.
Karenrestivo57@gmail.com