Karen Restivo
In Other Words....
Calling all people pleasers!
When gathered, we make a fine-looking group, until we seek out the approval (ad nauseum) of each other while we’re gathered.
People pleasing goes way, way back.
In Psychology Today
online, author Elliot D. Cohen summarizes the addiction, “I have found that many people waste much of their life obsessively catering to others, doing things against their better judgment, jeopardizing the welfare of self, friends, family, and much more that they later come to regret.
Unfortunately, many of us never really get at the root of why we act in such self-destructive ways:
‘It seemed right at the time. After all, I was winning favor and influencing people I wanted to impress.’
We often chalk it up to
bad luck or, if we are a bit more honest, bad judgment.
Like any addiction, we may live in denial of our addiction to approval, refusing to accept that it’s an addiction, and that it is wrecking our lives.”
Cohen reaches back historically to philosopher Immanuel Kant on his thoughts on the issue. Cohen asserts, “He (Kant) admonished us to treat individuals, ourselves included, as ‘ends in themselves,’ not ‘mere means.’
He meant we should not judge our value as dependent upon whether we achieve some external end, such as satisfying others.
When we do so we treat ourselves like an object.”
What’s the solution?
It’s a process of observing yourself in situations where you normally would jump in to offer your help before no one has even asked.
We’re not talking about common courtesy when you are welcoming guests in your home or clients at work.
Cohen says, “On the job, establishing yourself as a
person who has integrity is much better than being known as the one who will do (almost) anything you are asked to do.
The latter people are often the ones who take the fall for the connivers and manipulators who use others for their own self-aggrandizing
motives.”
Ah yes, I recall those connivers and manipulators in my past during my twenties and thirties.
Somewhere along the line a
light bulb went on when I would beat myself over the head (figuratively speaking) for something that I would agree to, knowingly not wanting to have any part of the task.
Sound familiar?
I’m not saying I overcame people pleasing; I’m arecovering people pleaser.
It still pops up in my default muscle memory.
Let me assure you, age has certainly benefited my ability to recognize those connivers and manipulators.
Each time I find a person volun-telling me something to do, the solution is simple-ask myself if it’s something I really want to do.
If not, I politely thank them for thinking of me, but I will be passing on the request (no explanation needed).
If you’re concerned they
might be upset with your choice, then you’re worried about the outcome from their perspective.
In other words, be mindful if it falls in your job description at work or in volunteer associations.
Integrity is your defense in decision making when requests fall outside of personal and professional boundaries.