Karen Restivo
In Other Words....
Trauma is not what happens to us, but what we hold inside in the absence of an empathetic witness. –Dr. Gabor Mate’
Holding space for someone is one of the deepest forms of communication we share soul to soul.
It’s a process of opening oneself in assisting another at a deeply vulnerable time in their life.
Heather Plett describes holding space on lifeinprogress.ca: “What does it mean to hold space for someone else?
“It means that we are willing to walk alongside another person in whatever journey they’re on without judging them, making them feel inadequate, trying to fix them, or trying to impact the outcome.
“When we hold space for other people, we open our hearts, offer unconditional support, and let go of judgment and control.”
Author Krista O’Reilly in her article, “How to Hold Space without Losing Yourself in the Process,” suggests when holding space for another, you must be able to hold space for yourself.
“To witness another brave and hurting human process incredible pain - what feels like impossible pain - and learn how to continue showing up fully to life helps make meaning out of my own loss.
“(From her own trauma-specialists teachings, the author has learned), an empathetic witness is often the deciding factor between whether a difficult life experience imprints as trauma or is integrated in a healthy way.”
(Author’s note: Holding space as a practice is not a replacement for medical care or therapy.)
The following are some tips from the author if you find yourself in a position to hold space for someone in crisis:
Hold space for yourself first and honor your emotional capacity.
Are there things in your life that need tending to?
Give honestly according to your emotional capacity.
Honor healthy boundaries for your benefit and theirs.
Holding space does not mean allowing the other person to emotionally, verbally, or physically attack or harm you.
Don’t try to fix and don’t pick up what isn’t yours to carry.
When we assume responsibility that isn’t ours, we might unintentionally communicate a lack of trust in the other person or that we believe they don’t have what it takes, or we may push them into hiding or isolation.
Practice active and deep listening (for them and you).
Pull your mind and heart back from yesterday and tomorrow and be fully present with the other person in each moment.
Avoid interjecting your own stories or examples or one-upping their struggle. Practice self-compassion as you offer compassion to the other person.
Practicing unconditional positive regard - a therapeutic term akin to unconditional love - means that we hold them in positive regard no matter what it is that they are sharing, or what they might have done.
O’Reilly reminds us, “Cultivating the ability to hold space for another takes practice. It is not at all a passive choice, but an active form of meaningful, much-needed, life-giving support.”
In other words, offering to hold space or being on the receiving end of someone’s holding space gesture, creates a safe place to validate emotions, fears, being seen and recognized exactly as they are in the moment.
Karenrestivo57@gmail.com