Karen Restivo
In Other Words....
“Why does Julie always get to push the elevator button?”
I can’t tell you the number of times I heard that phrase when my children were growing up.
In the beginning, there’s one child and two parents. Seventeen months later the second of the fold arrives.
Granted, there should be a relaxed preface of what’s about to happen by planning to slowly introduce to your first born the idea of another sibling being welcomed into the family.
Remember, the time between our first two was seventeen months, making the first born still in the toddler stage.
It didn’t help when we brought our newest addition home.
Once she and I were settled in bed, my husband proceeded to the kitchen where grandma was feeding our son in the highchair; Sam Sr. slipped Sam Jr.’s liquid refreshment (bottle) away during his lunch informing him that his sister would be needing this now. Challenge accepted!
Conflict and debate arrived with their suitcases to join our family for the next sixteen years.
The truth of the matter is no one is 100% correct or the custodian of the truth. Reality, to each of us individually, is filtered by our beliefs - a phenomenon known as confirmation bias - removing objective reality with our own personalized, subjective experience.
Author Tracey Pontarelli remarks in her social media posts, “If a person believes the world is hostile, their brain highlights evidence of hostility, while a positive mindset seeks opportunities.”
As my children reached college age, both acknowledged their childhood relationship was hostile and couldn’t quite put their finger on why it was tempered with conflict.
Pontarelli points to the culprit as their belief systems.
Both eyed each other as the competition for their parent’s love and that belief was 100% true.
‘Always’ and ‘Never’ were Sam and Julie’s favorite adverbs in describing how the other sibling was given preferential treatment.
Enter one of my favorite authors, Don Miguel Ruiz and his book of awakening, “The Four Agreements.”
It’s a tiny book with the life changing ability to alter perception.
(Yes, it’s true, I offered $100 to each of my children in high school if they read the book; however, to get the payout they had to answer critical questions from me proving they came away with the big picture - awakening.
For what it’s worth, we still quote that book between each other when emotional intelligence is challenged.
Ruiz used the analogy of changing the filter: “Because our reality is a ‘construction’ or a ‘personal dream,’ changing our beliefs through awareness can alter what we perceive, effectively changing our experience of life.”
Simply put, changing your mindset is the first step toward altering your circumstances.
In other words, beliefs act as a software, influencing not only what is seen but how events are felt and experienced physically. Think of the example between you and your spouse when the unfolding, dreaded comment pierces the conversation, “You’re over-reacting.”
Get the picture? By that point truth left the house and was two miles down the road.
Luckily, Sam and Julie matured into wonderful adults, but they had no idea what their parents were up to 14 years after bringing Julie home from the hospital.
Enter the third sibling, our daughter Kelli.
All bets were off, ‘Always’ and ‘Never’ returned with a vengeance, only this time Sam and Julie were on the same side.
Karenrestivo57@gmail.com