Karen Restivo
In other words
A favorite concept of mine often showcased by popular authors and psychologists when it comes to introducing boundaries with others to their clients is: “You teach people how to treat you by what you allow, what you tolerate, and what you reinforce.”
Psychologist and author Tony Gaskins asserts that your personal boundaries and expectations set the stage for how others behave toward you.
Which brings us to the question, how is your current stance working for you if someone repeatedly pounces all over your feelings and boundaries?
Worse, is when the individual is someone you inevitably will be sharing the same circles.
Sometimes merely shining a light on the broken reaction and broken response may be the first stage of healing. Below is a story taken from @_awaken_one_ on Instagram:
I once heard a story about a man who broke a window in a woman’s house.
He apologized. So she forgave him.
And he assumed that meant the window wasn’t broken anymore.
But every night cold air came through the crack.
Rain found its way inside.
She could still feel the damage, even when nobody else could see it.
So eventually she said, ‘We need to fix the window.’ And he looked confused. ‘But I already said sorry.’
She tried to explain, ‘I know.’ But saying sorry didn’t replace the glass.’
And somehow, he became frustrated with her.
‘Why are we still talking about this?’ ‘Why can’t things just go back to normal?’ ‘I thought you forgave me.’
And slowly, the broken window became less important than her reaction to being cold.
She started pretending she wasn’t. She stopped mentioning the draught.
Cleaned up the rain herself.
Put another blanket around her shoulders and called it forgiveness…Until one day…
*She realized something. He didn’t actually want forgiveness.
He wanted access to the house without having to repair what he damaged inside it.
Sometimes this is what happens in relationships. Someone hurts you, then becomes uncomfortable when the hurt changes you.
They want the old closeness. The old trust. The old version of you.
Without doing the work that would make those things feel safe again…
Trust doesn’t return because someone says, ‘Can’t we just move on?’
Forgiveness isn’t repair. An apology isn’t changed behavior.
Accountability isn’t saying sorry, it’s caring enough about the damage to help rebuild what was broken.
Because you can forgive someone and still notice the window is broken.
You can love someone and still need them to repair what they damaged.
And sometimes…
The reason things can’t ‘go back to normal’ is because normal was where you kept getting hurt.
In other words, Forgiveness does not erase the impact of what happened, and love does not automatically restore trust.
Healing requires patience, accountability, consistency, and genuine effort.
When someone has been deeply hurt, they may forgive while still needing time to feel safe again.
Real repair begins when both people care about rebuilding what pain changed between them.
(@_awaken_one_) It takes two willing participants to complete a full circle of making amends if they’re willing to rebuild their reaction and response dynamics.
Karenrestivo57@gmail.com